I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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