Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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