I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
