i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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