I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
