My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
