I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Randomize
