Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
