Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
