I'd wear matching sweaters with you
YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
No stitches, just platelets and will power
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I woke up under a house in Key West
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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