Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Randomize
