Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
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