I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Randomize
