i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
