I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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