I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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