I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
just tell him i said nine months
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
