I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I can tuck mytits in my pants
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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