I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
