I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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