I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
