Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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