She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
