She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
