If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
