having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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