Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
