I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
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