I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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