i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
please come you make the beer taste better
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Randomize
