I accidentally had phone sex last night
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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