Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
