She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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