me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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