so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize