Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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