6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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