Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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