I wish my penis had an off switch
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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