i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Man, jail baloney is awful.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
