Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
So many bounce houses so little time
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
