I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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