Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
