My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
