he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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