:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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