I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
