I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
