I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
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