can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
