I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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