Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
