On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize