i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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