She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
