i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize