I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
