i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
