I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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