she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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