I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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