we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
